Top 5 Worries of Impending Fatherhood

All right...I have really dropped the ball here. I have every intention in catching up on all the happenings and thoughts of the last couple months. For today however, I think I'll just stick with 5 mostly sarcastic and somewhat humorous worries of impending fatherhood.

#5...What if I break it...I can honestly say I have probably held a baby in my life less than once that I am aware of. So that brings the grand total of experience to zero. Good luck to me...maybe I'll practice on Otis the pug.
#4...So if I'm home alone with the baby and a Kansas basketball or football game is ongoing, would it be appropriate to prop the baby up with a pillow to watch. It's pretty important that he/she become a Jayhawk fan. Furthermore, from day one there will be a rule instituted refusing any tuition payments to the University of Missouri...sorry to anyone who went there, nothing against you but it just ain't happenin!!

#3...What to feed it. I keep thinking if I was a baby, would I want to eat that?. I mean obviously the beginning is pretty self explanatory but I am talking about the jar of mush phase. I mean smashed carrots, sweet potatoes or the dreaded peas...are you kidding me? No wonder most toddlers hate vegetables. If it were me I would want pureed pizza, smashed pumpkin pie or something really good. We all think they make those mashing back and forth movements with their mouths in order to swallow when actually they are trying to spit it out but haven't figured that movement out yet.

#2...The last two are directly related to one daunting task. Changing a diaper. First off, I really don't want to be peed on. I've watched enough America's Funniest Videos in my life to know this is a possibility. That said it will become my mission to avoid this folly of parenthood. Maybe I can invent some sort of shield or modify a welders mask to a more child friendly image. I think I might be onto something here...The #1 Worry of Impending Fatherhood...Finally how to handle changing diapers...Not sure I can pull this off. When it comes to dog messes in our house the extent of my involvement is as a spotter. I spot the issue and Carrie takes care of it. I have been informed that this won't continue with kids. Now a few weeks ago we went on several child care facility tours and after the frequent use of the term "blow out" I am pretty worried. I would put a high probability on a video of me ending up on youtube gagging while trying to accomplish this chore. Why can't they just enter the world as fully functioning toilet users?